Do What You Can Live With

Do What You Can Live With is a survival workbook for families loving somebody through active addiction. It teaches families how to love somebody through addiction without destroying themselves in the process, using one guiding question: if you got the call tomorrow that you lost them to overdose, what would you regret? The book includes reflection prompts in every chapter and QR codes that link to real-time video footage I recorded during our family's worst years.

A mother who was in the pits of hell drowning, trying to survive her daughter's addiction with no real guidance. I am also a nurse practitioner, so I have the clinical side and the lived side. But what I am first is a mom who watched the treatment system fail my child, watched families get shamed for trying to keep their loved ones alive, and finally burned the rulebook because the rules they gave me almost killed her. This book is the guide I needed and could not find.

Parents of an adult child in active addiction. Grandparents raising grandchildren because their parent cannot. Spouses married to somebody using drugs. Siblings who lost their brother or sister to addiction long before any funeral. Adult children of a parent in active addiction. Kinship caregivers protecting a child while still loving the parent. Anybody who has tried tough love, rock bottom, and the 12 steps and is still drowning. The book also has chapters for therapists and recovery professionals who want a family-side resource.

Yes. The book has a whole chapter called The Lies That Nearly Killed Us, which dismantles tough love, the enabling lie, the rock bottom lie, and the family guilt lie. I followed all of those rules and they almost killed my daughter. The book is not against treatment, it is against the rules that treat families as the problem and force them to choose between connection and survival. Connection is what people in addiction need. Not abandonment.

The book has a complete checklist in Chapter 2. Some of the most important questions include: Do you support medication for opioid use disorder, and can my loved one stay on their current dose? What is your blackout policy? Will I be informed if they leave or are in crisis? Is medical staff on site 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? What credentials do your therapists hold? What happens to their phone and belongings if they leave early? Do you work with the person who referred us financially? The chapter also lists 10 red flags that should make you walk away.

Body brokering is human trafficking disguised as addiction treatment. Brokers target people with good insurance, especially young adults still on their parents' plans. If somebody is offering free flights, cash incentives, or bonuses for entering a specific program, that is not generosity. That is a business transaction, and your loved one is the product. Chapter 11 of the book covers body brokering, predatory treatment, and how the addiction industry profits from relapse.

Yes. The book strongly supports medication for opioid use disorder, including buprenorphine, Suboxone, Sublocade, and methadone. I was against medication assisted treatment when this started. I had to learn, and I changed my mind in real time. You can watch that change happen in the companion videos. The book also addresses the stigma that prevents many families and treatment centers from supporting it.

Yes. Chapter 12 is called Holding Two Hearts at Once and it is written specifically for grandparents and kinship caregivers raising the children of somebody in active addiction. It covers your grief, the child's grief, how to talk about the parent, visitation when the parent is using, creating connection without contact, and the impossible task of protecting one heart while not giving up hope on the other.

Yes. The book includes a section on marriage and partnership when your spouse is the one in active addiction. It covers the loneliness of holding the family together alone, when abuse is involved (always get out), choosing peace, supporting from a distance, and how to still believe in their recovery without sacrificing your own healing. Your kids are not replaceable. A partner is.

The book has chapters on what to say and what not to say, including scripts for the hardest conversations. It covers why their anger is almost always shame in disguise, why they lie, why they cannot see a future without drugs, and how to stay connected without enabling. There is also a section called Words That Hold the Line and Love, with specific language for boundary conversations.

It is both. Every chapter has reflection prompts and QR codes that link to videos I recorded in real time during our family's worst years. The book is written from the other side. The videos are from inside the storm. You read the chapter, then scan the QR code and watch what I was actually feeling and doing during that moment. The videos are hosted on my own site, so you do not need a social media account to access them.

Yes. The QR codes are in both the paperback and the Kindle versions. With Kindle, you scan the code with your phone the same way you would with a physical book. The paperback is recommended for the full workbook experience because the book is larger than a standard paperback and you can write directly in the margins.

The book is available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle. You can also order signed copies directly through dowhatyoucanlivewith.com.